“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
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I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling