@AlexvanBeek: Hey, Facebook. Dead people can't read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
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@ericsshadow: The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he's 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
@EliTerry: Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life.
@markleggett: MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much… GROUND CONTROL: She knows. MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now? GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.
@loudmouth_usa: I read that if you have 2 hangovers a year you are an alcoholic so I'm around 104 alcoholics