@AlexvanBeek: Hey, Facebook. Dead people can't read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
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@BadassBarbie11: The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I'm tweeting this from inside his trunk.
@theresa_lauren: "Yes, I'm still single and underemployed, but at least I'm not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON" --women at family holiday gatherings from now on
@Laser_Cat: [wife answering phone] Gary, it's 3am! Where are you? "I don't have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!"
@Diversion50: "Get Well Soon" is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.