Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
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Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.