Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
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NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
every single time
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Traveler’s camo
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.