Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
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me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.