[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
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Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
This could be us but you eatin’
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I feel it
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.