[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
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I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Oh deer
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert