Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
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“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
[the middle of showering] I need a break
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother