Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
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Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!