Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
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When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.