Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
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I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Fiction has to make sense.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.