Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
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i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.