Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
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Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down