Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
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shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I support this random dude and all his protests
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit