@House_Feminist: Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you're so quiet it's hard to tell if you're turned on
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@DecantAndPour: I lost a very close friend and drinking buddy last week. She got her finger caught in a wedding ring.
@joeljeffrey: When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
@MissNaughty1801: Boss:I need you to do something for me... Me:what? Boss:go on the jobcentre website and look for another job
@OVO_Ty15: I'm gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it'd atleast be a little funny.