Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
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I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Namaste
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.