Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
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“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !