Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
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[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”