Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
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My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Danger is very dangerous
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.