Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
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My dryer is celebrating lint.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
hackers play passwordle
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.