@LeonEarlgrey: Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
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@theroyaltramp: Why don't I have Snapchat? Because I don't want to talk to anyone let alone have to look good while doing it.
@stephenjmolloy: Job interviewer: "It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University." Me: "Yeah, I was visiting my sister."
@philEfanaddict: The first thing they teach you in AA is to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.