Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
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I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I feel this so hard
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.