Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
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MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door