Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
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If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
WHO DID THIS?
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.