“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
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Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag