@thatUPSdude: Hey girl are you the IRS, because you're all up in my business.
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@Tmoney68: If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.
@GrantTanaka: [dark alley] Dealer: so what you want Me: a gram [dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
@geowizzacist: My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out. Me (looks): I can't see anything in there. 3: That's because I flushed.
@bridger_w: Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, "I think you owe me an apology," then turn off your phone and go to bed