Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
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That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct