Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
You Might Also Like
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars