Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
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if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
what is cheese if not milk persevering
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
The Punning Dead.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Mornin
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride