Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
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Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…