Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
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If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”