@BlindChow: Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it's an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
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@dorsalstream: [being held hostage] ME: [dejected] I thought there’d be more actual holding involved.
@shivillex: North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
@curlycomedy: Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don't know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
@stephenjmolloy: [Pilot intercom] Me: "Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."