Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
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I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie