Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
You Might Also Like
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Said the murderer.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft