girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
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me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Why am I like this?
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.