Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
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I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.