Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
You Might Also Like
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!