Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
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Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.