Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
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Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
adding to the discourse
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
How to woo a woman
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck