“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
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[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Who did it better?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
#polloftheday
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.