[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
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Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Lunatics are gonna loon.
tourist season
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse