Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
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Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.