Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
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[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”