Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
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Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
thanksgiving should be called feaster
started wrapping my pills in cheese
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.