Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
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Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here