@chrisdelia: Hey girls, you are not a "mommy" just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
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@decentbirthday: Bowser: Honey, the toilet's clogged Wife: Call someone to fix it Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
@Xalqee: "If I act like I'm asleep he'll leave, If I act like I'm asleep he'll leave, if I act like I'm asleep he'll leave" - Me getting pulled over
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: I can't believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better. Me *should have
@Sickayduh: [First date] Her: I'm really glad you asked me out yesterday in the park Me: *looking under table* you didn't bring your dog?