Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
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After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable