Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
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“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world