HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
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If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
yall want some gasoline milk
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same