HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
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Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Swedish for common sense.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.