“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
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Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Is this you?
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
What a year we’ve had this week.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?