Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
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I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw