Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
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Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”