angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
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Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.